2 scoops chocolate protein powder
1/2 bamboo spoon of green coffee bean extract
a good amount of raw oatmeal
maybe a little more
cinnamon
raw hemp seed
shilajit
chia (not chea) seeds
almond milk

blend

pour into favorite glass jar
whisper I love you into jar
drink

whoops. forgot to add more water to fill up jar.
and I forgot the banana

blend water and banana
add to jar. repeat

stir with stainless steel straw
whisper I love you into jar
may be through straw
drink

repeat

Ne me quitte pas
is not the same as if you go away

Moving slowly
I take care of my needs
Nausea building
head spins
my rocks piled on the window sill
they will move with me
seashell
brings tears to my eyes
not ready to release
but that is not for me
to decide

July Tree
I missed you completely
along with August, September, October
and years before

Yes Nina
it is a new dawn and a new day
a new life for me
and I’m feeling good
fish, river, blossoms
dragonfly, butterflies, sleep
peace
Yes Nina
the old world is a new world
stars
freedom is mine
this IS mine

Yes Nina
it is a new life for me
and I’m feeling good

and scared
and excited
and sad
and empty and full
and trusting
and calm
and grounded
and occasionally manic
and it’s all good

So I replay your song
again
Yes Dragonfly you know
Yes Butterfly you do know
Yes Nina I know what you mean

Chaos leads to Calm

I’m moving.
It wasn’t my choice.
Here I am nonetheless.
Surrounded by chaos.
and yet I feel calm.

My home was sold. Despite resisting, refusing to allow the realtor to show the home due to recuperating on the couch from what for now is just being referred to as “THE accident”, it was sold in a day. Not to me. I thought that was what I wanted. It ends up it wasn’t what was in store for me though.

Now I’m moving. The date is marked in the calendar. Less than 60 days from now. I knew the day was coming, I just didn’t know exactly when. Kind of like death. We know it’s coming, we just don’t know when. Sometimes we are told it’s 6 months from now, sometimes 6 weeks, 6 days, 6…and *BAM!* it’s over. We never know. We just THINK we know. What I think I know is that in about 6 weeks I’ll be leaving my home of the past five years. I thought it was one of the worst things that could happen to me and my daughters. Now I know differently.

Time does not heal all. The old adage is a fallacy. Sitting around and waiting for healing to come is like sitting and waiting for the tooth fairy. Work heals. Process heals. The desire, intention AND decision to heal, heals. Time alone does not heal. -Debora Granja

I picked up a clock on the side of the road the other day. It was lying in the street next to the curb, box unopened, addressed to someone who clearly did not live at this particular residence I was parked in front of in San Francisco on this particularly fateful day. The customer service rep at Restoration Hardware was nice enough, and between my severe stuttering, sluggishly gaited speech and missing packing slip, we decided I would take the boxed clock with me. A UPS driver was scheduled to bring me a return address label and deliver the package to it’s rightful owner.

There was only one challenge to overcome in my endeavor to save the world one lost parcel at a time: the oversized timepiece was the size of the top of my Easter egg blue Mini Cooper. When my then boyfriend returned from his errand, we set upon securing the carton to “Betty” (as she is lovingly referred to). As fate would have it, the sports/luggage rack that sporadically sat on top of Betty was not installed on that day. This would NOT prevent me from completing my good deed, damn it! We carefully placed the box on top of Betty, spread the spider web cargo net I kept in Betty over the box, and secured the net to whatever parts of the side, top, etc that were clip-able.

Much happened that fateful day and night that I carried time on the top of Betty. The story ends with me literally losing time somewhere after the 80/580/880 interchange. The UPS driver was sent away sans package the next day. The pulled up parts of Betty were eventually pushed back into the track from which it came. Exactly 15 days later I would find out my then boyfriend made love to our mutual friend on his boat, breaking agreements and my already fragile trust and belief in love.

Despite my best efforts in trying to return time to it’s rightful owner, time did not heal. Time did not heal. But I will.

Time, time, time…

Gina Intinarelli on Geary Blvd in San Francisco, I hope your clock found it’s way to you.

(What I learned from surviving Stage 3 Breast Cancer and Acute Traumatic Stress Disorder)